


....But You Were Also My Angel

by AyeAyeAye



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Chloe Decker Needs A Hug, Chloe talks to people about Lucifer, F/M, Having Faith, Hurt Chloe Decker, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Maybe - Freeform, Prayer, Sad Chloe Decker, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-01-21 04:08:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21293390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AyeAyeAye/pseuds/AyeAyeAye
Summary: “I sent him away!”Lucifer was gone, and Chloe is barely holding it together. She needs to talk to someone, anyone.... so she does.ORChloe talks to a bunch of other Characters after Lucifer leaves in an attempt to figure out how to function again
Relationships: Chloe Decker & Dan Espinoza, Chloe Decker & Ella Lopez, Chloe Decker & Everyone, Chloe Decker & Mazikeen, Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 15
Kudos: 113





	1. Detective Douche

**Author's Note:**

> remember this has MASSIVE SPOILERS for season 4!!!!  
Don’t read if you haven’t watched all of season four yet!!
> 
> If you have, enjoy!

“Where’s Lucifer?” Dan asked.  
Chloe took a deep breath. “Not here.”  
“Still?”  
“Yeah.” She couldn’t tell him that Lucifer – Lucifer wasn’t coming back. He was in hell, she was here and he was in hell. “He won’t be back for a while.”  
Dan’s nostrils flared slightly. A second of silence, then –   
“He’s such an ass.” Chloe looked up at him. He barrelled onwards. “An ass for just leaving. No explanation, no apologies, no way to contact him –“  
“Dan,” Chloe begged softly.  
“No, he is. He’s an ass,and he is not worth you waiting for him. In fact, it’s good that he’s gone. He never deserved more than a minute of your time.”  
Something in her broke, broke, broke into a million pieces as he spoke. Because he didn’t know where Lucifer was, and he thought he was being kind, but there was such silence in her head, and Lucifer was not here to correct him.  
“I’ll see him again someday,” she mumbled, because it was true, and because it was better than the other words bubbling up inside of her.  
“I doubt that. This time, I think he’s finally gone. Good riddance. I know it may hurt, but this is a good thing, Chloe. He’s – ”  
“Dan.” The word was a bullet. There was no stopping her this time. “Shut UP about Lucifer, because I swear to God –“ (_he has nothing to do with it, Detective…_ That’s what he would say.)“- that I will walk away, and you will become nothing.”  
“Chloe – “  
“No, I’m serious. Mention his name one more time, and you will be a stranger.”  
“He really hurt you, it’s not…” he trailed off at her face. She stepped closer.  
“He saved my life. You.. you did nothing of the sort. All you’ve done is moan about him leaving. Shut. Up.”  
“He left you…”  
“_I sent him away!_”  
It wasn’t true. It was. It wasn’t just her. They had come and he had gone for her, but…  
There was such silence in her head.


	2. Maze

It was on nights like these that Chloe went to Lux, despite her best attempts. She’d start in the bar, Maze offering her drink after drink, all of which she’d turn down, and then using that as an excuse to get away, she’d wander up to the penthouse. Lucifer wasn’t there, but that didn’t stop her. She was on the balcony, hands drifting through the breeze around for her.

“I’ll wait for you,” she said aloud, wondering vaguely if he could hear her. She knew the other angels could hear his prayers. Maybe she would hear his. “Lucifer?” she choked on the name, eyes stinging, and she had to wait a long time before she continued.

“Lucifer, I miss you.” It was all she could manage for a long time, and she sank to the floor of the balcony. “I miss you,” she repeated. Hesitated a second, then took a steadying breath.

“Hey big guy? God? I don’t… I know Lucifer is the one you forgot, the one you left behind, but please, please, I need him. I…” she let out a bitter laugh. Praying to the man Lucifer had despised. She pressed her head back into the cool glass of the railing, eyes wandering the stars. “Lucifer Morningstar,” she whispered to the sky. “The man who made the stars.” She wasn’t sure why she said it, but it felt right. The words fit him. “Made the stars and defied the night.” She smiled sadly.

“He’s the devil, remember,” a voice piped up. Chloe tore her eyes from the sky and found maze leaning against the doorway, looking more bored than sad.

“I do,” Chloe returned, and Maze arched a scarred brow. “But that doesn’t define him.”

“It didn’t.” Chloe almost flinched, but instead she stared at Maze, waiting for more words that didn’t come. Maze swirled the liquor in her glass, running her tongue along her teeth. Chloe wordlessly reached up a hand, and Maze walked back inside. Chloe’s hand wavered for a second before she dropped it back to her side. Maze was – a boot kicked her shoe. She glanced up and Maze was offering her a glass of her own. She accepted it gratefully, and as soon as it was taken from her, Maze sat down beside Chloe. 

“To the man who made the stars,” Maze offered, and for a moment Chloe wondered how long she had listened.

“And to damning the consequences to hell,” she returned. Harsh laughter echoed before they downed their drinks as one. Then the demon and the detective sat in silence as watched the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos will be appreciated!!!  
I have four others lined up, anyone have any guesses as to who they may be?  
If you get them all right, I’ll include an extra of your choice  
x


	3. Amenadiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I liked this idea.... not too sure about the delivery.  
Anywho, enjoy

It was a rare occasion for the detective to be praying to someone who wasn’t Lucifer. She usually didn’t on the account that Lucifer had mostly disliked his family, his father especially, but she was a little less than sober, and sore, and she just missed him so much that the thought of trying (and failing, always failing) to communicate with him was too much.  
So instead, she called to Amenadiel.   
She’d only done it a few times before, once where he had answered.  
Curiosity unanswered before she had known the truth about Lucifer, and only once since then. Once, when she had knelt on that balcony until the sun had risen to dry her tear-streaked face, when she could not bear to speak out loud because she didn’t want to break the echo of his last words to her, when she had mentally screamed for his help and cried.  
So she probably should have foreseen him arriving in her home in a matter of seconds, brow creased.   
“Chloe?” he asked. “Are you alright?”  
She nodded, and he paused before he sank onto the couch beside her.   
“How do – how does this work?” she mumbled, lifting her still clasped hands.  
“The prayer?” at her nod, Amenadiel continued. “You can hear it, in your head.” A pause.  
“As an angel, you can sense it all. There’s always a buzz, a low buzzing in your head, of all the prayers to upstairs. You can tune in out. But if you’re unlucky enough to be known by humans by name…” he trailed into nothing, for a moment, then blinked hard and looked at her.  
“My brothers and sisters more well known – Gabe, Michael, me to a lesser extent – hear it worse. The noise. A constant drone of overlaying voices crying out, asking for guidance, giving you praise you don’t even deserve, or want! It drives you crazy.”  
“And Lucifer?” Chloe asked, voice shaking. Amenadiel swallowed.  
“He hears it the same as us. But his requests are generally a lot less… tolerable.”   
Chloe looked up at him blankly, so he forced the words out: “the only people who pray to Lucifer are the corrupt and the dangerous. Every moment of his existence since his fall, he has heard the most depraved pleas of humanity, echoing in his head.”  
Chloe flinched, then. The man who’d smirked and flirted and sang, he had been hearing screaming.   
“Surely… surely people aren’t praying all the time.”  
“You hear the echo. If you do not answer their requests, you hear the echo of their call on repeat until it fades away. The time depends on the request itself: how much they need it, how many times they ask.”  
There was a pause.  
“Luci only gets madmen, so his tend to either fade quickly, or not at all, until the person dies.”  
“Madmen and me,” Chloe muttered.  
“What?”  
“I pray to him,” she admitted. She was silent for a moment before she added, “I miss him.”  
“Does he–” Amenadiel began to ask, but she shook her head.   
“He might not even hear you,” Amenadiel pondered, then winced. “It’s loud, in our heads. You learn to tune it out. But… you can usually focus on a voice if you know them – when Luci was on earth, his prayers cut right through the droning, which is why I responded so quickly.”  
“So he can hear?”  
“Maybe. But he can’t respond in prayer, it’s not telepathy.”  
“He’s not a Jedi,” Chloe recalled, and Amenadiel nodded without realising the joke. She smiled sadly. All of her efforts had been pointless.  
“Don’t stop,” Amenadiel said, as if he had indeed been reading her mind. “It helps. A voice you know to latch onto.”  
She nodded her thanks and he gave her arm a quick squeeze before he slipped out of the apartment. In the silence, she clasped her hands together and sent the same promise over and over and over.  
I’ll wait for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life


	4. Trixie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As user RedPony, I believe it was, wanted, here is a trixie and Chloe chapter!
> 
> writing this was fun, but super annoying because I typed it on my phone and autocorrect kept trying to call her Tricia. Oof. 
> 
> Also it’s a bit hard to follow, but the brackets are happening in Chloe’s head.

Chloe could tell something was bothering Trixie. She wasn’t sure what, but her daughter was oddly quiet as she was being tucked into bed. Before she could ask, Trixie finally opened her mouth.  
“Mommy? Why don’t you ever talk about Lucifer anymore?”  
Chloe’s grip on the book she held tightened. It was the only signal that she’d heard the question as she unceremoniously shut the unfinished story and put it on the bedside table.  
“He isn’t.... around right now.”  
Tricia paused, then scrunched up her nose.  
“Like.... when you and daddy stopped loving each other, and daddy wasn’t around?”  
“No, monkey. I still love him.”  
_ (“I love you. Please - don’t go.” Blurring vision barely registering Lucifer’s gasped smile._  
_ “Goodbye.” Wind and darkness and -)_  
Trixie’s gasp of realisation dragged her back to reality.  
“You mean - you _ love _ love him?”  
Chloe blinked hard to clear her vision.  
“Yes monkey. I _ love _love him.”  
She chuckled a little then as Trixie giggled manically.  
“Good,” the little girl decided. “So now you’re just... waiting for him?”  
_(I’ll wait for you, I’ll wait for you, I’ll wait for you....)_  
“No, monkey. See, I don’t think he’s coming back.”  
It hurt to say those words, tore a hole in her chest, in the carefully constructed walls that she’d sealed around her memories of him. It hurt to say them, but it hurt more to hear them, because no matter what she wanted, they sounded like truth.  
“Why not?”  
_ (Because he’s trying to save me, because he can’t, because he’s the fallen angel and fallen angels don’t get second chances.)_  
“Because sometimes... sometimes you can’t get what you want. Even if you love someone very much.”  
Trixie responded to that by burrowing closer to her mother. Chloe cradled her head, making sure her daughter couldn’t see the tears lining her eyes with silver.  
“You should be asleep already,” she whispered.  
Trixie mumbled about not being sleepy, but yawned anyway.  
“Tell me a story.”  
Chloe reached for the book, but trixie grabbed her wrist.  
“No, mommy, a new one. I’ve read that already.”  
“We don’t have any new books. You’ve read them all, munchkin.”  
Trixie’s response was to make one up. Chloe could only think about Lucifer, about the time they hadn’t had.  
“Mommy?”  
Chloe blew out a breath, and stroked her daughters hair.  
“Once upon a time,” she began, eyes fixed on the pin-up stars bordering the windowsill, “there was an angel named Samael.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are actually so inspiring and make me want to write.  
Suggestions are welcome! I have a few more characters planned, too :)


	5. Ella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the inconsistent update schedule and also in advance: this chapter is short too.
> 
> But nevertheless, please read and tell me what you think

“Hey Ella,” Chloe called as she entered the forensics room. Ella straightened from where she had been digging around in a cupboard and smiled brightly.  
“Chloe!” she returned cheerfully, arms already open for a hug. Chloe gladly accepted it. A chance to hide her face from the world, to let the mask of control slip… She’d take it any day, and it was over far too soon.  
Ella went back to her previous task – putting on a necklace – as she explained that the report wasn’t quite ready, and it wasn’t her fault… her fingers fumbled and she frowned, so on instinct Chloe stepped up and joined the clasp for her before pulling it to behind her neck.  
The cross shining in front of her was enough to make her freeze.  
“Thank you,” Ella said, before faltering. “Chloe? Are you…”   
Ella looked down at the cross. Something flashed across her face, and she frowned slightly.  
“Is this about Lucifer?”  
“No,” the detective responded instinctually. She glanced down and thought of how to put it. “It’s… about faith.”  
“Faith?” Ella seemed surprised. “I’m thrilled, really, but I didn’t pin you for the religious type. Especially with Lucifer, I mean…”  
Chloe searched for the words she needed to say, the right question to calm her burning soul.  
“How do you stay faithful,” she began, “when the bad things happen? You see crime scene after crime scene, and yet you still seem to treat everyday like it’s dedicated to you.”  
Ella softened even more, if that was possible. She stepped forward again and placed a hand on each of Chloe’s shoulders.  
“This is about Lucifer, isn’t it?”   
Chloe managed a nod, but the sound of his name was ripping her to shreds. Ella embraced her then, hugging tightly until Chloe could almost convince herself the lack of breath in her chest was simply from the squeeze. They stood like that for a long time: until tears sprung to the detective’s eyes, until they were under control once more. Until she could finally get out the words that threatened to shatter her heart.  
“He’s gone.”  
Ella didn’t dispute it but squeezed her briefly to show she was listening.   
When it became apparent that Chloe had no more words coming, Ella began to speak.  
“You don’t need to treat every day like it’s your day,” she whispered, thumb rubbing circles on Chloe’s shoulder blades. “You just have to treat every day as if there’ll be a better tomorrow.”  
In that moment, Chloe forgot that the God Ella had so much faith in was the same God damming Lucifer to hell. Forgot he was the one who had caused Lucifer so much pain, forgot that Ella worshipped the being keeping her and Lucifer apart.   
No, in that moment, Chloe Decker forgot about their differences and wept in Ella’s arms.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are the oxygen I breathe. 
> 
> Also, I’m going to do a Linda chapter, and then perhaps one more bonus,  
BUT if you have any suggestions and I haven’t included them already, I’m super willing to give them a shot before I wrap up this series!  
Thank you for reading so far x


	6. Linda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while.....  
This is the penultimate chapter!
> 
> Please read away....

When Chloe talked to Linda about Lucifer, she was not sitting on the couch in the therapist’s office, but huddled at a bus station, only half sober.   
Maze, Linda, and Chloe had set out a few hours earlier, Maze with the intent on going on a pub crawl (bar crawl, she had indignantly insisted), Chloe following to force herself out of the house and away from Lux, and Linda as the designated driver to stop Maze from committing early morning murder.   
It was a team effort.   
Now Maze had left with some guy, or girl, or possibly both, and Chloe had wandered to the bus stop.   
Linda joined her a few minutes later.   
“Maze is drunk,” she said. Chloe hummed, then recalled Lucifer’s words.   
“They don’t get drunk on earth stuff. Not easily, at least.”  
Linda raises an eyebrow.   
“Maze told you that?”  
Chloe swallowed. “No. He did.”  
Linda turned towards her slightly, head tilted in a way too much like Lucifer’s.  
“Lucifer.”  
“Yes.” It was a choked, harsh syllable that burnt her throat. Chloe could barely breathe. She wasn’t sure she actually was breathing, because her chest burnt as if she was a swimmer trying to surface.   
Trying, and sinking ever downwards.   
“Have you... talked to anyone about him?” Linda’s tone was too casual. The detective was just drunk enough to not notice.  
“Yeah. I’ve talked to Amenadiel. I’ve talked to Maze. Hell, I’ve even talked to my own daughter.” She doesn’t know why her voice is so loud, doesn’t know when it got that way. “But you know who I haven’t talked to?”  
Linda waited, as if double checking she was actually finished. Chloe ploughed on a second later.   
“Him. I haven’t talked to him, because he’s in hell. Alone. And he might not be coming back.”  
Linda reaches over and grabbed her hand. She wondered briefly about being Linda The Therapist, but decided to just be Chloe’s friend.   
“Hey,” she said softly, and Chloe squeezed her hand back.   
“I want you to do one thing for me.”  
Chloe looked up to meet Linda’s eyes.   
“Say his name.”  
“What?”   
“You haven’t said his name, have you?” Linda was a brick wall.   
“No,” Chloe conceded.   
“Then say it.”  
“Why?” She didn’t want to admit that she couldn’t. That the roll of the L on her tongue felt like sinning. That though she screamed his name in her mind and her dreams, she couldn’t whisper it out loud: because he wasn’t here to answer.   
“Because you deserve to hear it again and know that this isn’t the end.”  
That sounded okay.   
Chloe let her head slide to a rest against the bench of the bus stop.   
The cold metal jarred her from her own head.  
“Lucifer.” She wanted to cry.   
She gagged instead, alcohol and emotion finally overwhelming her. Linda leapt to her feet and held her while she retched.   
“You did it,” she reminded the detective. “You did it.”  
“Lucifer,” the detective whispered in reply, and although it was a whisper, she had spoken it all the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... sorry again that that took a while.   
Oops?
> 
> Comments and kudos are the air I breathe xx


	7. Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I haven't included this in the title.  
I'm sure you can figure it out, or alternatively you can just read away and see...  
There is an OC in this, but don't worry, they're not the main point of the chapter. We have another special guest!!

Chloe Decker may have felt all of the weight of the world on her shoulders, but she still had a job to do, and that meant policing. Even if the new department-assigned partner made her want to rip her own eyeballs out.  
But the work, she welcomed. The bite of adrenalin in her bloodstream, the patterns – it took her mind off of what had become the rest of her life, and it was the one thing she relied on. It was in her blood, she always said with a sad smile.  
Currently, though, there was no chase, just a myriad of crime scene and suspect photos spread onto the carpet in front of her.  
She shuffled them around, trying to see what she was missing.  
Four murders, four ex-cons – the pattern was simple, but the possible population too large. There had to be more.  
“There must be another pattern,” her new colleague said. The woman, named Irene, had shoulder length hair and a mildly irritating voice.  
Chloe wished, not for the first time, that Lucifer was there.  
He would know what she was missing, or at least he would know someone who did.  
Chloe missed him.  
“Let’s head out,” she suggested. She would leave even if Irene didn’t follow, but she did.  
She stood up slowly as to not disturb the sheets of paper around her, and moved towards the door of her apartment. Open, wait for this slow paperweight to exit, shut, and then she was out, walking fast towards nothing. She didn’t know where she was going at all, only that she needed to feel a bit more breath than this place had to offer.  
Irene chatted non-stop.  
“..and so I’m thinking, this pattern may be to do with the social dynamic in the prisons! I mean, when they – “ Irene stopped suddenly, throwing an arm out. Years of police training rocked Chloe herself to a stop, but growing irritation crept in over the top.  
“What?”  
“There’s someone out there. One person, tall, heavy.”  
“People walk, Irene, it’s what they do.”  
Irene looked at her as if she was crazy. “There have been four murders in as many days! All happening at this time, might I add! People don’t just walk around at 3 AM.”  
It was 3AM? That was news. Both women reached down for their weapons.  
The footsteps sounded louder towards them, and Chloe’s muscles tensed.  
The figure stepped into the light of a lamp post, and Chloe froze. Blinked once, twice.  
She took a few steps forward.  
Irene positively hissed at her, but then she was running, gun already back in holster.  
She slammed into the man hard, arms wrapping around his waist.  
He didn’t yield a single step under her weight, just held her back, gathering her to him like he would never let go.  
And then she was crying, and maybe he was too, but they were so close together that she could barely tell where she ended and he began anyway.  
“I waited for you,” she said, voice muffled by his chest. By his immaculate suit.  
“I know.” The voice was rough and raw and teeming with an emotion she remembered from a night long ago on the Lux balcony.  
She had waited so long to hear Lucifer’s voice once more.  
“Chloe,” he whispered, the name like a prayer of his own, and it sounded like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and that's a wrap!  
I hope you enjoyed this short series - I know I loved writing it!  
Please leave kudos, and comment on what chapter was your favourite if you enjoyed any of them  
Really, I live for comments.  
Anyway, thank you for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is very short.... longer chapters to come, I promise :)
> 
> Comments and Kudos are lovely...
> 
> Who do you think we’ll talk to next? Any suggestions?


End file.
